Bizarre is not the word to describe the Networks Show in Birmingham this year, which was a shell of its former self, with the usual goodies handed out by bikini-clad babes replaced by stranger attempts to attract punters.

First up was Comunica, which decided to show off whatever it is it does by using a woman in a bed and man wearing pants surfing the internet. She mostly looked bored and spent the entire show text-messaging friends. This was a shame, as by this point I was so tired with the after-show activities that I would have happily put on the dress and slept through the show itself.

Sophos, on the other hand, decided not to use random strangers to attract attention from the masses, but used its own staff. Their very own media star, Graham Cluely, eventually ended up doing a song and dance routine dressed in tennis gear. Credit to the company for originality, as this drew in a huge crowd of happy-looking people who enjoyed the show - note to Sophos, you could probably make a fortune by selling the Graham cutouts on the stand.

This popularity must of annoyed the stand that had a man on a pedestal trying to explain why the Ethernet network should be like dental floss. No, I didn't really understand either, although I did a very good impression of a scared person and ran away.

There were for the Network Industry Awards. Our very own editor, Rob Jones, was entrusted with presenting 11 of the gongs. Our best attempts to distract him by slipping a mobile phone set to vibrate into his inside pocket went horribly wrong. First, the Nokia 'Silent' profile did just what it says in the instruction leaflet - it did not put the phone on vibrate mode and it didn't matter as we rang the wrong number anyway.

Fortunately, Global Technology Associates (GTA), one of the sponsors, was there to liven things up. A couple of sales guys - had to be really didn't it? - decided they were going to steal an award. Bizarrely, they chose to go for NetReality's award for Network Management Product of the year trophy under the watchful eye of fellow journalist Dave Cartwright. He looked as confused as I currently am. Maybe someone should explain to GTA that they don't even make this kind of product. Their CEO clearly recognised this and wandered over to drag the sales guys away and smoothed things over.

Obviously it worked, as GTA had absolutely nothing to do with the fight that broke out in the Metropole hotel's bar in the early hours of the morning.The tired looks on the Network News Stand signalled that no-one was going to brave the end-of-show party and that Networks was over for another year.

Comment on this article