In between downloading the endless updates that my PCs continually demand, twiddling my thumbs during the compulsory reboots, and then sorting out the problems that the updates have caused, I lead an almost normal life.

I listen to music and watch movies on standalone hardware that turns on and off with a switch and never needs an update. I also watch weekly for new patent filings, because it’s the best way of finding out what IT companies are planning.

How else would I have known that Philips has been working on a way to stop digital TV viewers from switching channels to avoid adverts or fast-forwarding through a recording to skip the ads?

When I questioned the wisdom of this, Philips’ website sprouted a notice that said: ‘Philips never had the intention to force viewers to watch ads against their will and does not use this technology in any current Philips products, nor do we have any plans to do so.’

But far from abandoning the patent, Philips has paid the official fees needed to keep it alive. Perhaps it plans to play White Knight and use the patent to stop anyone else from implementing such a dastardly device.

This is the tactic adopted by Macrovision to prevent people from selling black boxes that defeat copy protection. Half of Macrovision’s patents describe protection and the other half describes tricks to defeat the protection. So Macrovision’s lawyers can sue anyone selling a Macrovison-buster box.

DVD archive copy programs use the legal argument that owners of DVDs should be able to make one digital safety clone, just as audio CDs’ SCMS (Serial Copying Management System) permits one digital copy.

The copy programs put a file on the target disc that identifies it as an ‘archive’ copy. If there is no archive file, the archive program makes a copy; if there is an archive file, no copy is made.

Warner is now patenting the idea of putting a spoof archive file on original discs. This will mean any copy software that refuses to copy a copy, will also refuse to copy an original disc.

An Apple patent tells how an iPod can provide a no-hands audio interface for driving and exercising, without wasting battery power on heavy processing. The host PC that stores the iTunes library will convert track titles from text to speech files, and then copy the speech files to the portable, along with the music. From then on the portable speaks the menu of track titles it has on board.

A team of eight Apple people, including designer Jonathan Ive, has been working on ‘gesture control’. A pocket player has a touchscreen that behaves normally when touched by a single finger.

But when it senses more than one finger, it changes its response. Holding a thumb in the screen corner and making a rotating motion with the forefinger brings up a rotary dial icon that controls music volume, shuttles video or rotates a photo image.

Apple is also working on an LCD screen that takes pictures of whoever is watching, by using CCD image sensors in the gaps between the LC display cells. Each sensor has its own mini-lens.

Motorola is one of the least communicative of all IT companies. Fortunately patents spill good beans. A few years ago its European research lab had an idea for foiling ‘grey marketers’ by hiding a GPS chip in consumer electronics to check if it was being used in the wrong country, and switch it off.

‘It is often desirable to control the marketing or use of products differently in different areas,’ wrote Motorola, apparently oblivious to EU competition law.

‘Feng Shui principles are widely applied in the fields of interior decorating and real estate,’ says Motorola in a new patent which describes a PDA that evaluates a property’s chi rating.

The PDA handshakes with the nearest mobile phone base station and checks the bit error rate, which is a good indication of signal strength.

Weak radio signals spell good positive chi, but strong signals mean negative chi and a poor score. So Motorola is patenting a gadget that helps people avoid the signals that earn the company’s daily bread.

If you think I’m kidding, check out US patent filing 2006/0084449.